Forgive it!
These days, in what seems to be an increasingly tumultuous world (UNDERSTATEMENT ALERT) - as we try and negotiate all of our various triggers, hot buttons, sore spots, blind spots, short fuses, snap judgements and hard feelings - I humbly suggest that forgiveness just might be the most effective coping tool we’ve got for an era that seems to be pelting us with stabby disappointments. The problem is, we’re a wee bit suspicious of forgiveness - like it’s that weasley telephone solicitor trying to extract our credit card information to avoid that pesky arrest warrant for that mysterious felony we apparently committed that can only be settled by paying $2000 to a stranger over the phone. We feel like forgiveness is somehow robbing us of something, like it’s sneakily siphoning gas out of our emotional Subaru while distracting us with a lecture about being a good person. Is forgiveness trying to play the long con with us?? (Today, on Sally Jessie Raphael...) Well amigos, I’m happy to report that, through forgiveness, we can only ever come out ahead. OH PLEASE TELL ME MORE J. SEAN I CANNOT WAIT. Well, all right, then...yeesh, don’t embarrass me!
I think, by this point, most people have gotten the exquisitely-scented memo from Oprah that the act of forgiveness is something you do for yourself, and not for anybody else. And that’s not just whimsical, New Age horsefeathers, that is a quality-tested, universal fun-fact! Forget about anybody else - forgiveness can lighten your load! That’s right - I’m telling you to think about YOU. But isn’t that selfish?? YOU BETCHA! In the best of ways! Because you’re of much more use to the world when you’re clear-headed! And, if I may be so bold, you’re so bleepin’ worthy of alleviating any suffering you may be enduring whenever and wherever you can! So have at it! Forgiveness, by the bye, is not just for people on your ever-expanding grudge list - it also comes in handy for getting out from under any of the things or situations that may have helped chase you up that ol’ coconut tree. Allow me to elaborate, dear reader… (*sound of creaky book opening* followed by *can of Fresca opening* followed by *unnaturally large breath in*)
Right now, a lot of people have a real beef with the year 2020. This super surreal time of Covid has precipitated a lot of suffering on many fronts. There’s obviously been a terrible physical toll, but there’s also been a lot of emotional and mental suffering - due to the unwelcome interruption of our daily lives, as well as the baked-in regrets and worries inherent in any unusually stressful situation. Through unanticipated isolation, people have been confronted with themselves in a way that they may never have been before. We’ve been alone with our thoughts, which can be a real scary prospect. Torture-palooza 2020! ‘Cause FUN FACT: all suffering comes from what you’re thinking and believing in any given moment. If you think the world should operate in a certain way, and it doesn’t, you suffer. If you think people should behave in a certain way, and they don’t, you suffer. And most of what we think and believe, about how things are and how people should be, has been slyly hard-wired through our conditioning - by our family, our friends, our society, the media, our own judgements, the TV (THE TV WOULD NEVER BETRAY ME LIKE THAT AFTER A LIFETIME OF DEVOTION oh wait yes it would in a heartbeat nevermind)...seeing through your conditioning is like trying to machete your way through a thick jungle landscape to catch of glimpse of what’s on the other side of the tangle (hopefully, it’s a lemur or a meerkat - they’re awful cute)l! Forgiveness is stepping outside of our conditioning. Forgiveness is the machete that clears that thick foliage of misperception. Forgiveness opens your eyes to where you are right NOW. (NB - it’s the only place we ever really are, whether we like it or not, so find something to like about it ‘cause here we are, lieblings!)
In fact, the real question always is: How are you right NOW? If you’re stuck in an imagined past, suffering because you’re thinking about how something should have happened differently, forgive it and be where you are now. If you’re stuck in an imagined future, suffering because you’re worried about what’s going to happen, forgive it and be where you are now. And by forgive it, I mean LET IT GO. Even for a moment. OH WHAT A RELIEF IT IS. The Alka-Seltzer of habitual mental suffering! (there’s a fresh reference for ya HOW FLURPIN’ OLD AM I??)
I don’t know about you, but in my experience, life is just happening around me, in all its mysterious, kooky-korners glory - but I inevitably find, if I look closely, that I’m okay right now. Moment to moment, I’m absolutely fine (just to confirm, these are moments when I’m not actually on fire, or nobody is chasing me with an axe in a creepy attic). I may have the thought, “I’m not okay”, ‘cause I think things should be different than they are, but underneath that thought, I can see that I actually am, in fact, okay. But for the love of Gulliver, don’t take my word for it - get still for a few moments and slosh it around in that ol’ fishbowl up top! Like me, you may find that with the thought, “I’m not okay”, you are living in an unpleasant (and fully imaginary) past or future moment, and not in the reality of this real and present moment. And, I gotta tell ya, it’s just not going to come out great for me if I do that. Things are as they are right now (which is usually just dandy, I’ve come to notice), and if I have any conflicting notions, I’m going to suffer. And I am (controversially, I know) pro-relief-of-suffering.
Listen, that’s NOT to say that you can’t take steps to try and change something you don’t care for...if you feel moved to take action, then do it, and god speed! What forgiveness will bring you is clarity. A little clear-headedness can go a long way towards effecting meaningful change! (For example, just this morning I ventured out to replenish my supply of rejuvenating Fresca but the store was sold out. Now, I could have taken a swan-dive into the nearest despair-spiral [*despairal, for short - ed.] but chose instead to optimistically and gratefully commit to Pepsi Zero...and if that’s not meaningful change, I don’t know what is!)
Why are we so reluctant to forgive, anyway? Well, for one reason, much of the delicious identity we create for ourselves in this world is wrapped up in asserting our separateness. Separateness affords us the chance to feel special. If we see ourselves as separate, we get to feel superior to this person or inferior to that person, like a victor in this situation or a victim in that situation - we can dine out on a story of specialness in either direction! We vigilantly manufacture and protect our sweet but endlessly contradictory personalities behind a huge barricade of epic tales about our tragicomic lives as hapless (but cute, right?) individuals pitted against a fickle and cruel world. We tirelessly weave stories from our endlessly fascinating (FACT CHECK: endlessly fascinating to US) viewpoints - based, in most part, on some pretty slim-jim info provided by our scant and sketchy perceptions. Forgiveness feels like a threat to that unsteady identity we’ve cobbled together - like we’re taking a brick out of a Jenga tower, one grievance at a time. And, after all, without that identity, who would I be? Without the story, would I even exist? What would become of our intrepid hero??? (*cue sound of scream falling in bottomless pit*)
Ultimately, forgiveness asks for your empathy - seeing yourself in another person. And it also asks for empathy for yourself - cutting yourself some slack for never being able to see any situation from enough angles to truly comprehend the big picture. And there definitely is a big picture. Like, Tom Hanks big. (I’ll unpack that cleverer-than-I-intended reference in a future blog - js)
But where’s the dramatical value in just letting something go? Boooooo-rinnnnnnngggg. How am I supposed to feel special if I’m looking from a viewpoint other than my own??
But here’s the surprise plot twist - you ARE special! Magnificent, in fact! And so is everyone else! But your most magnificent-iest part is obscured under the smog of your conditioned and haphazard identity, and forgiveness is the breath of fresh air that clears the smoke!
When you get caught up in nagging thoughts, remember that the mind with a grievance is like a sweet dog with a smelly old slipper. You see the dog eyeing the slipper, and you calmly say, “Nooooooooo….”. The pooch looks at you and moves his mouth closer to the slipper, and you repeat, “Nooooooooo…”. The doggie nonchalantly puts his mouth on the slipper, and you say, “Drop it.” He looks at you, and starts to very daintily chew the slipper, and you say “DROP IT.” Eventually, through your determined tone, your little friend drops it. Well, just like the dog with the dirty old slipper, your mind loves to chew on a grievance. The stinkier the better! It’ll gnaw on a juicy habitual worry for a while, too, if you let it. No sense in getting steamed about it - It’s just what minds do! Just like dogs eat slippers! And the more you go through this routine with the doggie, the sooner he’ll get in the habit of dropping the slipper. Similarly, the more you get in the habit of telling your mind to drop its dirty old grievance, the quicker you’ll regain your equilibrium! Getting the mind to “drop it” is forgiveness. Just forgive it. Let it go, and get back to the business of being where you are!
Forgiveness is the understanding that believing we’re fundamentally different from one another is a MIS-understanding. Forgiveness is a fixer. A cure-all for what ails ya!
Listen, people are always doing the best they can with what they are believing at the time. So forgive people for not being who you want them to be. Forgive the past for not going the way you wanted it to go. Forgive the future for not revealing itself to you in a quicker and more satisfying manner. Forgive the present for not being what you want it to be - but please look closer, because there’s so much there. Everything, in fact! So, so much to be grateful for and so, so much to love! Forgive it! It’s for YOU.
Please forgive me for going on like this...I get carried away because you’re all so marvelous! Be kind to yourselves and each other! Wear your mask, and keep smilin' underneath it! I love you!
❤❤❤